There will come a day when our self awareness becomes so strong that we can no longer ignore the fact that we have been letting fear control our actions. We recognize that we must change our mindset and our relationship with fear if we ever want to find a peaceful love. Whether it be a love for others or ourselves. When we allow fear of abandonment, pain, or sadness to enter into the equation, we are taking away space for joy, comfort, trust, growth, compassion and communication. TNH explains that we all have seeds inside of us, but the ones that grow are those that we choose to water.
Presently my garden is filled with fear, sadness, pain, self hatred, regret and loneliness. A hideous sight that has kept others away. And yet, these are the seeds I continue to tend to and water day after day. Why would anyone ever stop and spend more than a fleeting instant here? Hell, I don’t even want to be here.
For the first time in a very long time, this caused me to want to relapse. Mentally and emotionally, I checked out. I was sick of letting all of these thoughts dictate my actions. I was sick of being the villain. Tired of watching those who dared enter my garden to be continuously slashed by thorns until they lost too much of themselves. I realized it was time to make a big change.
As we know, change, although beautiful, is not for the faint of heart. I’m terrified because this change will require me to feel alone at times, because I can no longer run to familiar places for comfort. I’ll need to dive into the unfamiliar, and welcome people into my heart that I do not have a strong history with, but that have similar stories. I’ll have to start watering the seeds of hope, trust, courage and self love. Hardest of all, I’ll need to start taking my walls down to allow good people to enter.
My self love has been at an all time low, and as I lay in bed this morning overwhelmed by searing stomach pain, I know that stress, fear, regret and self hatred are to blame.
Here’s where things get interesting. Those who know me describe me as kind, thoughtful, compassionate and a good listener. But I do not feel I’ve been successful in forming loving friendships in my adult life. Yes I’ll be helpful, provide my time when someone needs it, offer to listen, or pick up something from the store if I think it’ll bring someone joy, but I do not see myself as truly loving. This is because I do not let most people get beyond my outer exterior. The only people I’ve allowed in have been those I’ve dated, which makes things difficult during the relationship and when it ends.
So, how do I start letting other people in? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable when I always want to put on a strong face? When I pretend that my life is going well so as not to burden others with my pain because they don’t need any negativity in their life. How do I allow people to get close to me when that nagging fear of them walking away is so strong?
I don’t have the answers to these questions right now, but I do hope to find them as I navigate these unfamiliar waters.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if it resonated with you, I hope you feel less alone. We all really do have battles we fight on a daily basis.
Nature in New England 